Friday night

It's Friday night. 9:10 p.m. to be exact.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Erykah Badu, and I don't feel bored.
I don't even feel that eerie feeling that grips me when I've spent too much time inside my own head.
I don't need to go out tonight. Just ask Brad how surprising that is-in contrast to every other previous weekend where I complain about being a 23 year old locked up in suburban hippidom, oppressed by bonfires and blocked from going out- I'm totally ok tonight; just sitting here, chillin' with my girl, Erykah Badu; listening to her advice, her words and soaking up her soulful voice. And not only is this impressive in of itself, but listen to this: Up until 5 minutes ago I was without internet. Without internet! And although I was sure that my life would be exponentially better tonight if my wireless started working, I was ok.
I don't have a date. I'm not in New York City, caught up in a cloud of aesthetic bliss, surrounded by tons of other good looking people walking to vegan restaurants, jazz venues and getting hit on by the cute guy standing on the other side of the room. I'm not at a salsa club with pretty makeup and in my favorite cocktail dress. Not tonight.
And here's the realization: Whenever I am bored, anxious or unsatisfied on a given uneventful Friday night, it's only because of my expectations. I expect to constantly be surrounded by Monica, Rachel, Joey, Ross and Chandler; to always have Central Perk to go to and to always have a date lined up. So that whenever these things don't come to fruition I am let down and frustrated.
So, it must be that the reason I am content tonight is because I've abandoned those expectations. Tonight I'm thinking about the fact that every moment does not have to be filled with stimulation. Not every moment has to reach the peak of excitement. Not every Friday night has to be filled with lots of activity. Those moments are great, but so is this. When those moments are absent, I must take the time to take inventory, rejuvenate. Going on a run/walk, taking out my mat and practicing yoga. Or heck! Not doing a damn thing because how often do you get the chance to sit and do nothing without an assignment in the world hanging over your head?

Sure, it's nice to distract yourself once in a while, but isn't there a problem when we are in a constant state of wanting to escape time with ourselves? I can finally look at myself and answer truthfully: All you got is yourself, m'ija. But that's not all! You have had, and will have moments of fun, of travel, of laughter with friends. Let tonight be mellow and sit with yourself. And even if you do nothing else but lay on your bed, listening to Erykah Badu, that's ok. Chill back, relax and don't you dare call Tyrone's crazy cousin ;)

9 things...

There are things I haven't yet figured out how to do. And, in fact, I wonder if I'll ever figure out:

1. How to make myself eat the vegetables in the plastic bags from the super market without being turned off by them a day or two later and getting fresh vegetables during lunch instead. In other words, how to not waste money.

2. How to keep my room consistently organized for more than a week without having to do a massive clean every Sunday.

3. How to keep avoiding dairy, white flower and things that are bad for me in proportionate amounts throughout the year, so that I'm not going from a size 12 to a size 9 back to a size 11 and then on the verge of a 13, and getting queasy and nauseous in between.

4. How to follow up on those things I always say I want to do, but never get around to; like getting better at riding a bike and being able to use it as a viable means of transportation; like getting fit enough to go hiking with my athletic friends without wanting to have a heart attack 3/4's of the way there; like getting good at the guitar and fighting through my fear of theory through to see new horizons of musicality.

5. How to stop being such a people pleaser! I must admit, I am getting better at saying no and articulating my boundaries, but I still find that I build my thoughts around how happy others might be, especially in my professional life.

6. How to fight the temptation of getting over priced coffee at a coffee shop in the morning before work as part of my daily ritual.

7. How to be a better daughter.

8. How to sift through all the clutter in my head filled with thoughts, ideas, wants, to-do lists without having them all smudge together in one big mush, causing me to take drastic measures to figure it all out, by creating color coded charts and storing a zillion and two calendars, organizers and planners.

9. How to want to take out the trash when I get home from work-I can take it out of the poor over-worked trash can and tie it in a nice knot, but to take it downstairs?! C'mon! Huge task!
Ridiculous.
I know. (I'm also not the only contributor in this scenario)

"Purity of heart is to will one thing"