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It's a funny thing, this guy-girl...romance......weird...hookup-But wait! Let's just be friends...
intimacy...weird-But I want the goods still-no don't touch-but touch me when I want it-haze.

It's weird, quite frankly.

You meet this human being. With dignity and God-given value and shit. You explore their idiosyncrasies and circle around their core, getting to know just enough before any real bond is formed. And you realize: You are fleeting and are only filling a concave hole in a heart for the time being.

And you dance around these feelings. Back and forth between inadequacy and ecstasy and shame-Woops, they know my secret and the thing I'm self conscious about without enough Love to support and contextualize it. Woops-I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, but had it been five minutes ago I would have caught you in the right mood and you would have been all for it. Woops- my buzz is gone and I no longer want you like I did yesterday for the 5 meaningless minutes that served no other purpose but to fulfill my fleeting longings.

You cry sometimes because you're mad. And not mad at them because you have no ground to stand on. But at yourself, for the cards you've been dealt and the lack of lemonade you've made with these seemingly pre-destined lemons and the things you've given over all too quickly and rashly.

It's weird. This getting to know a person.
Not because you have some sort of thing in common that you like to share-like David and I who share insights about spirituality, books and existential crises or how undisciplined I am, and how his funny email about customized doorbells makes my morning and helps me get out of bed. Or like Dave and I who share politics, a love for fashion, laughter and Black comedy and/or occasionally revel in the fact that I once woke him up by taking off his covers which resulted in an awkward surprise for me (yes, they both have the same name). These people-for whom I have an unlimited supply of conversation topics, meaningful silences, news articles, quotes, insights, tears, old memories and jokes for-hold weight in the grand scheme of my life. And this one guy, lightweight floating around in Annery's realm of escape- how much value does it (this rendezvous) actually have?

But, we proceed with getting to know each other, jumping over the awkward hurdles of un-compatibility and marked difference for the sake of fulfilling this concave hole in our souls that longs for another-that longs for intimacy.
And it's not you-the particular shape, hair type, eye color, laugh, smile, dance, sense of humor, interests that bring us together. It's not me-my shape, my eyes, my smile, my movement, my interests, my quirks that draws you to me. It's something more individual that has nothing to with me and nothing to do with you. Me, just a variable standing in place of any other random symbol or co-efficient that was available at the time. You, just a factor close by. Available.

Yet, we explored. Lonely souls explored closeness. Fleeting closeness-but closeness nonetheless.
And it may or may not have made a dent in a broken nervous system that was tired of crying without being held. Being held by another being who needed to be held may not have been a total waste... But there's something wrong here, something inconsistent and mirage-like. I choose reality, please, with three doses of laughter with my closest friends.