Missing the trees for the forest

I go to sleep late last night after fighting a range of emotions and sadness and unmotivation. Standing up, changing positions, changing scenes to get myself to read this shit. "C'mmon Annery, you like school. You have to do well on this exam tomorrow." I go to sleep at 3am, absorbing way less than I should have. I wake up at 8am, then again at 9am, then again at 10am. "Wake up, Annery." Each time I want to hide from the world; each time the bed seems like such a better idea than facing what's out there. Each time my body is split between logical impulses and illogical emotions and body aches. Finally, I listen to the last wake up call and fight my body to get up.
I'm up, disoriented and dizzy. Lethargic.
I go to the computer. Check my email. Pace. I should open that book. I get ready, sit in the sofa, and stare at these words. Everything in me screams: :"I can't." I self talk: "This is ridiculous. You have to get this shit done. Just do it." But I keep convincing myself that nothing is worse than what I'm feeling right now--this lethargy, this dizziness, this realization that perhaps I cannot accomplish all that I dreamed of. That perhaps my kindergarten teachers were wrong: Did the mistake skies for apartment roof tops, when they said 'sky is the limit'?
So I push myself to class--I get there. No one. Class is empty. What am I? In a twilight zone?
I must have missed something. So I sit there. Eat--maybe food will motivate me. But I just stare at the book blankly.
I go to bed again, finding refuge in my sheets. But my body keeps protesting--You don't really want to be here. You really want to be engaging life, engaging the world...facing your dilemmas.
After and hour and a half, I end up saying: "this is enough. Work with what you can control, Annery. Make lemonade out of lemons." So I change and do all of those girly things that make me feel better. I shower and put make up on and a pretty dress. I clean and get organized.
Sit down at my desk--Oh yea. That apple computer I worked so hard to get: broken. My old dell....too slow to get anything done. But in hopes of change, I try it anyway. I press on, and iron and make phone calls I was late on. Get back to my desk: the machine is still making odd noises--not working. And that stupid little sand clock/timer is still on the screen. Ok. No problem. Next computer--my friend let me borrow it and I have some documents in there I need for my paper: Not turning on. But it worked yesterday! Ugh!!!! I want to cry.
But I hold back the tears. I get up, go to the library, get my books and borrow a computer. I'm ready to go to work. I'm determined to make the most of this day.
I'm relaxed, so I conduct a routine email check, and there it is-- an email from my professor saying she's not sure how to deal with me again and all of my absences. Tears.
I just want to give up.




What does one do when she keeps falling over and over again? When she trips on the same stone repeatedly? Why does she not learn? Where is the disconnect?

"You can do it," some would say. But the ironic thing is that my overly ambitious spirit has the tendency to overlook real limitations. And this very attitude has caused me more sorrow and dissapointment than admitting that I cannot--atleast without some guidance and some external intervention--whether it is divine or human. Now that I admit to myself that this pattern has real origins; now that I realize that if I do not face my limitations I will probably never progress, and I will undoubtedly keep tripping over the same stone, I find some consolation.
But what is one to do when she keeps failing those she answers to? What is one to do when everything seems to be coming down hard on you? What is one to do when its getting in the way of your dreams--especially, when time is becoming scarce and you may not have the same opportunities open to you as when you were 15? The options were open and I undermined them during these last five years of college. Why didn't I take full advantage of them? Where is the disconnect between my grandiose visions and the details that get me there? I've missed the trees for the forest, and the consequences of doing so are large.

So...what am I to do in the middle of a semester when I've missed so much class and professors are dissapointed? What am I to do when I have had a rough day and finally motivate myself to get out of bed, face the three computers in my room--none of which work (papers are lost), get myself to the library to borrow a computer, sit down to do my work and I get an email from a professor expressing her dissapointment. What does one do other than cry? Other than surrender? Other than face the music?
Making lemonade out of lemons has gotten me through most of life. But I'm finally admitting it to myself:
This shit is tough.