Good morning

It's morning and the air filling my room is crisp and cool-like fall. And fall soothes me in a way no other season can. I wish there was a newspaper to pick up on the front porch so I could read it with tea in the kitchen or living room. Except we don't use those common areas in this house. We still haven't kicked the college dorm room habit, so we drink tea and read the imaginary newspaper in our rooms. My room is mustard yellow and beaming with the highlights of the sun that come through the curtains. 


It is morning and everything is fresher than it was towards the end of yesterday. Wait, why was I mad last night again? Now, I'm slightly embarrassed that I ever felt negative feelings at all. 


It's Saturday and the thought of have tos came into my mind briefly in my sleep. 
-"Have to get up and go to yoga...." 
-No, you don't have to. Have to's are for Mondays, and Tuesdays and Wednesdays. 


Saturdays are for sleeping and feeling the coolness of your sheets on your skin; for letting the sun greet you in place of a loud annoying alarm.
-Why, hello Mr. Sun. Come in. 

I haven't felt this way in a while

There are some things I mull over like a dog reluctant to give up the frisbee she's been biting for 7 minutes. "But puppy,  Charlie wants to play with the frisbee." 
And puppy stubbornly bites harder, refusing to relinquish. The following is one of those things in my life. I should just let Charlie play with the damn frisbee, but I am stubborn. So I'll let you know when I become more refined and less dog-like. But until then...



It's like that scene from "Save the Last Dance" when Shanille rips on Sarah and says something to the effect of "open up your pretty blue eyes and look around you, Sarah."  Sarah looks around the free clinic to look at all of the Black single mothers holding their crying babies with no Black men beside them, and Sarah, all the while, has Derek-the only Black man who seems to be doing something with his life in their neighborhood. And of course, he goes for the only white woman in an almost entirely Black community.

It's like when a suburban white girl cries about shit I think is trivial and everyone cancels plans for her and she's more than OK with their sacrifice. When she turns around so that I can see her puffed up face and go "awww....what happened?" Frankly, during times like that, I am not moved.

I am moved when a mother gives everything to buy her daughter a small cupcake for her birthday because that's all they can afford. I am moved when a Dominican family in bumfuck Dominican Republic living off of so little  prepare a large meal for their American guests.

I am not moved, however, when you want the world to revolve around you. I am not moved when you say "I would be fine with living in poverty for the rest of my life" when you can't even begin to scratch the surface of what that even means or looks like. And I am definitely not moved when you have every support system in place, financial and emotional cushions and when you have the luxury of "rebelling" against your parents and yet still find reasons to try to get me to pity you.

In fact, I'm going to be honest here: I have little compassion for people who cry and complain when things get tough when at the same time they have looks, smarts, the favor of everyone in their path and a constant flow of affirmation. And do you know why? Because I don't have all of that all the time, and I don't have the support systems. I do not have the luxury of throwing a fit and asking people to forgo their plans for me. They will most likely respond, "Ok. Annery. We'll be back later. Call if you need anything!" No one planned my birthday. No one showers me with affirmation. And for certain, no one would do my homework should I be in a state of utter chaos.
 I can't just become a barista if I want to because there is no one to rely on. When I'm broke I don't mean I have $600 in my savings account and a trust fund. I mean I have $0.53 in my savings account and -$2.00 in my checkings.

"No other assets?"
"Well...call your parents to see if you can borrow."

First of all, I'd never have to borrow money from my mother. She would gladly give me every penny she had at no cost. And secondly, I would never do that to her because I have more than she does. So, basically,  all I have is me--whether I am crying in my bed at night or shivering with fear--ain't no one going to come to my rescue.

So when little suburban girls want me to pity them-I'm sorry. Ain't gonna happen.
And then I feel like a bitch. You see me with my neck roll, finger raised and scrunched eye brows next to poor white beauty with tears and a red nose. Who do you think looks more affable and approachable?
I am sorry that your life has been so tough, little white girl. Welcome to the fucking world.

The GRE's

Ever since I could remember I always wished I was "that girl"--someone over there who I wasn't and could probably never be.

In 4th grade, I wished I was my best friend, Melinda, who (in my eyes) had everything an 8 year old could want: Good clothes, untangled long dark hair, the admiration of her peers, a family the size of the Camden family of 7th Heaven-except much cooler, with a love for Jamin' 94.5 and a wealth knowledge of Hip Hop on and off the radio (so they knew Foxy Brown and Tupac's songs that were off the radio waves that only the cool people with cable had access to).  These things were of upmost importance then. And these people who told hilarious jokes and were young--in their mid to late 20's showered her with gifts and attention. I wished more than anything I could be her.  Family was at the core of my longing here, and instead I would go back to my lonely room as an only child to make up stories and find creative ways of entertaining myself. 

In the 6th grade, I wished I was Maria. Petite and beautiful with everyone's attention. She was charismatic with a large personality and high cheek bones. I longed to look like her and talk like her and have the authority of those popular people who command everyone's attention in the room.  Affirmation was what she had that at 13, could have come in handy and done wonders for my self esteem. 

Then, my role models became more academic in form. I longed to be like my Harvard-attending family-a distant family that I only really saw on holidays when they extended pity invites to me and my mom because, frankly, we had nowhere else to go on Christmas, and the thought of spending it alone just us two was foreign and uncomfortable. I saw my cousin and her friends arduously study for the SAT's, dropping words like copious and ephemeral and nonplussed every chance they got. The Princeton Review SAT prep book accompanied her everywhere she went-from the pizzeria we hung out at after church with the youth group folks to the car on the way to church sometimes (when I happened to be there, by chance). I was there wishing I, too, could see the fruits of my labor on trees of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Brown and Stanford. Instead, I got Gordon. My attention span was too limited to bring SAT prep books everywhere and actually focus on them. My support system was more of a collage of random people I had pulled from mentoring programs, begging them to help me study. I turned the pages of my review guides with confusion, not knowing where to start or what it took to get a 1300. But, God, did I want it. I never had a problem with passion. This, I had in copious amounts. 

These days I find myself in a similar place, way more content with myself than I was before and looking upon friends as flawed role models. Yes, they may have diligence and a discipline that I long to have, but do they have passion and a resume as long as mine? Yes, I might be an anomaly that co-workers and colleagues have a hard time understanding, but do they have my innovation and creativity? However, as I find myself studying for the GRE's I long to be like my cousin and like my friends who will do well enough to get into the programs of their choice. I may have to struggle a little more. I wonder if this time around I've developed the appropriate tools to study well and perform well.  I'll let you know when I take them. 

But, there is one thing I'll never forget. Professor Barthold, a philosophy professor I sought to talk to after one of her talks in chapel during my time at Gordon told me, "Well, Annery, don't you think that the story of the person who got straight A's all their life is a boring one? The story of the person who struggled and made it, makes for a much more interesting narrative, don't you think?" 

Yes, and these words changed my life. I've always been unconventional, a little rough around the edges and hard to understand, but perhaps one day I can say that all of my awkward struggle towards achieving dreams that seemed so far away and distant paid off. And that, perhaps, will encourage a young awkward, rough around the edges, mini-me to keep struggling even when you lack a strong family, a strong academic support system and a natural talent for test taking. 

The All-Too-Familiar Dishes in the Sink

I use the last bit of paper on the toilet role. As I'm about to leave the bathroom I look at it and think: That brown cartonesque cylinder really doesn't add much in the way of beauty to our bathroom. But what actually makes me remove the bare toilet role and throw it into the trash is the thought that follows: I hate it when my roommates just leave it there for the next person, who is most likely an innocent victim of someone else's procrastination. He/she most likely rushes into the bathroom after holding it in for the entire car ride back home, to face a big surprise after their release--no TP.

I  am cleaning my room, and in doing so, I usually remove all of the empty cups that were filled with water at some point. I am tempted to leave them in the sink, but then I think: God, I hate it how whenever I come home the sink is full--the sink if full of manifestations of background stories:

• A cup I found in the living room that wasn't mine so I left it in the sink
• A dish and two pans I used to make myself lunch quickly and then ran out the house
• Utensils that I keep forgetting to wash because they're smaller and less obvious than dishes
•  I rather sit on my computer for the five minutes I have left before I have to go to work than wash my dishes or clean the counters my peanut butter, jelly and water residue mixed to create

And there we have it: The accumulation of 7 hours of procrastination on sticky tables, a full sink and a dirty floor.

But the point of writing all of this is not to complain at all. It's to draw attention to this bizarre phenomenon. We've all been there....Or am I alone?
Your dishes in the sink irk me, my dishes in the sink are fine.  Or...better yet...the blame game:  Maria says, "Katie never cleans her dishes " (without noticing that 3 of those dishes are hers).

What is this all about?

Well, it seems as though it is easier to not do the dishes than to do them. Doing them requires a consistent vision for a clean house. And if this isn't on your mind or on your list of priorities, it is much easier to toss a dish in the sink and then forget about it than it is to take the 43 seconds it takes to wash your cup. It requires mental energy.
If, on the other hand, your mind is plagued by how many people might have written on your wall in the last 15 minutes or what Focault might say next about the role of historical perspective in counteracting war as the foundation of institutions of power in "Society Must Be Defended," you won't clean that dish.  Because doing so requires you to put Focault on pause or your email compulsion on hold to take a whole other mental direction.

So what helps turn this around?

When I began reading Real Simple magazine and uncovered the real reason behind my laziness and reluctance to cook, I began to clean up after myself on an exponentially more consistent basis than I had before. I envisioned a nice apartment, opening my fridge and being able to see all of its contents instead of guessing that the soy milk might be sitting in the back somewhere between the old cilantro and the dry carrot. Visions of myself waking up in the morning to the fresh scent of laundry sheets and to a bathroom ready to offer me my toothpaste, brush, cleanser and moisturizer without having to tip toe over accumulations of lint.  I envisioned myself actually wanting to get up in the morning because I don't have to sort through everything on top of my desk, inside my closet and in my dresser to find it, I'll just know where it is.  And this has virtually changed my life.
The problem is that not everyone followed me in this vision--probably because the people I live with are not as complex as I am and can live with a smaller set of requirements than I can.  We must also note that I live in a hippiesque situation reminiscent of the communes of the 1970's with compost bins and everything.
But the point is what motivates me, what motivates us. A vision of a nice place is the bigger picture, but what keeps me from leaving that one dish in the sink to go check my email for the thousandth time? It's the thought: I hate it when my housemates do this.

So what would it look like to inspire this vision, if you will, in my housemates? Because if you think about it...I probably would have left that dish there had it not been for the fact that I hate when other people leave their sticky things behind. Maybe inspiring others to clean up after themselves requires a certain level of frustration and exposure to the messes others might leave. If you are frustrated when people do it to you, you won't want to do it to them. If you don't care when people do it to you, you'll probably do it to them. And if no one ever does it to you, you don't know how it feels to live in someone else's mess, so you may never even get the opportunity to "not want to do it to them."

Family

I remember the first time I attended a summer program. It was junior year of High School, and for the first time, I felt loved. Sure, I felt nostalgia for the people that knew me best. But, to be honest, those people who "knew me best" didn't always love me best--doesn't mean they didn't love me as best they could.

That month in the program, however, made me feel belonging for the first time in my life. I ate with these people, woke up with these people, slept in bunk beds and sleeping bags next to, read and joked with these people. We spent 24 hours a day together and they soon became my family. We experienced life changing moments together-like when we hiked up Giant Mountain in the Adirondacks and I was tired to the point of fatigue, we encouraged each other through.

This experience had taught me that the thing I had longed for all of my life was possible: family. And not just any family, but a family that embraced me, encouraged me and was present on a constant basis.
When the program was over I cried. I cried as I walked to the car, and reluctantly placed my bags in the trunk. I was depressed for weeks, and when I hiked Mount Monadnock a month later with "the people who knew me best" I cried-we bickered all the way up the mountain, and it just wasn't the same.

And I guess living in the commune is kind of like this. I have lived here for a year already and these people have become like my family. But I must admit, there is a level of mistrust here--like I don't actually feel like they can replace the stability that a family provides.
A family is committed to you no matter where in the world you are. Your primary allegiance and devotion is to the people who reared you. When you don't have this, how might this affect how you see yourself?

Whenever I see fathers walking their daughters down the isle, I cry.
I get knots in my throat when I see families-dads and moms and sisters and brothers-going out to dinner together.
I look over attentively when my roommate calls her parent for advise in a desperate situation.
And these tears come from a different place than the ones that come out when I am frustrated with work or with achievement-related things. These tears come from a place of deep fear- that I lay on no real foundation; that family is not something that exists for me, in the typical sense of the word.

According to Urban Dictionary....

	Apparently, my name is meant to occupy the silence of a stupid mumbling comment.  Awesome.  Annerythinlikat
	buy annerythinlikat mugs, tshirts and magnets Used in conjunction with a sentence during a pause in which you are deciding what to say next or ending a sentence to occupy the silence of your stupid mumbling comment or story. (and-every-thing-like-that) I was going to a meeting where I was going to be instructed on how to instruct, annerythinlikat. andevrythinglikat likat harrydeadcat likiss annerything by Jerett Aug 20, 2006 share this http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Annerythinlikat

Cultural Capital

A kid at my job was sitting behind me earlier this week. And after messing up his computer clean up by accidentally pulling a plug, I tried engaging what seemed like an otherwise friendly dude in conversation. For some reason, my code switching kicked in, and this reason is not unknown to me. I tend to code switch depending on who I am talking to. But, often, when the actual switching of codes happens in front of the person I'm speaking differently to, the results are usually relatively awkward.

[Like the time I was saying good-bye to a friend by over-pronouncing all of my r's as I would speak to most of my college friends, and my proper good-bye got intercepted by a dude in Central Square saying,  'Ey yo, what up,'
And I, in my many years of experience with getting hit on in Central Square, just said,
'Wud up,'  which, in turn, elicited an awkward response:  'Why you talkin' like that all the sudden?'
 Ah! Cuz I adapt how I sound to who I'm talking to and I'm a confused bi-product of a multicultural context.]

So my slang kicked in at the office and the computer kid said,

                "Please don't use that word ever again."

 He says this with a sense of authority, as if he is the slang-keeper, holding the authority to approve or deny the use of slang terms to anyone he deems incompetent. And worst of all, he says this to me as if I'm some suburban white person trying to impress him or something.  No offense to suburban white people, but that's just not who I am. And if I was, I would be writing a whole other post about the socially acceptable uses of certain terms and how who one is affects how well these terms are received.

      Well, the conversation doesn't end here. He proceeds to challenge how Dominican I am, asking me to "say something in Spanish."
"You were born here?"
"Yes," I respond.
"Then you're American. Say something in Spanish, you probably can't speak it."

And here I am sitting in my cubicle with my pencil skirt and button down blouse, with client files stacked next to me, listening to this kid in baggy jeans with a modern day jerry curl challenge me to a cultural match, reminiscent of High School "yo' mama battles.'

        I ignore it because...why wouldn't I? I'm done with my friendly attempt at conversation. This has now stepped into a realm I am not willing to engage.

        My coworker happens to pass by, addressing me in Spanish, to which I respond in Spanish. And of course, he says: "See, you're not Dominican. You don't speak Spanish."
Ummm ok.... I ignore.

He proceeds to educate me about said Dominican spanish and explains, "See, you have to know about el tigeraje..." Now, tigeraje is actually not used correctly in this sentence. Tigeraje refers to street smarts, which he meant to use in order to explain that if I did not speak with Dominican slang I surely wasn't Dominican.

      Although the encounter is laughable, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and with questions about our perceptions of people. Granted, I was born in the United States and went to a private college. But had he known my background, would he have treated me this way and questioned me so intensely? Had he seen me in a context other than my work environment where my language sounds different, would he have received my switch into slang as defensively as he did?

     Of course I was not going to speak Dominican slang in the office, because 1. I'm in an office setting, which requires a certain degree of professionalism.2. I was not born in a rural town outside of the city in Dominican Republic, I was born in Cambridge.  And 3.  The Spanish I know as my first language comes from a family that is relatively proper.

    Had he known that our backgrounds were probably not that different-that my mom was a single parent, that I grew up in project housing, that graffiti intrigued me as a 14 year old and that I was part of a rap group throughout my adolescence, known as the girl that raps; that I read Source magazine and followed the East Coast-West coast battle long before he was born (represented by Tupac and Biggie); that I cried when The Lox and Faith Evans sang We'll Always Love Big Papa--would this encounter have panned out differently? But listing my credentials is a waste of breath in this situation. The only reason I list them here is to get at a larger point: We assume things about people, especially when it has to do with culture. We use our "cultural capital" to lord over others sometimes, like-

"I grew up in the projects, my big brother is in the Latin Kings, my cousin snorts coke and my mother left me when I was two, what about you?"

Someone in this situation is not lamenting their childhood nor projecting their feelings of brokenness here. They are, in fact, gloating in a self-aggrandizing manner because the culture affirms this kind of background as evidence of cultural badges of honor.
     And this attitude is not limited to people growing up in an urban context. I see this in suburbia all the time. Take the all too familiar post-Gordon party, for instance, I hear conversations like this often:

-"I went to community college for six months, so I was totally in shock when I went to Gordon," says the blonde kid from New Hampshire whose family is Republican, as he ostentatiously smokes a cigarette and blurts out the word "sex" every five minutes.
-"Six months!" Cries the other. "I went for two years before I transfered to Gordon! Ha! Take that, you ignorant fool!"

Well, friends, guess what? There are people in the world with even greater exposure to all things un-Gordon than you! Who have no clue what evangelical even means and who have never seen so many look alikes together in one place in their lives.

    And the same goes for homeboy who was so proud of his knowledge of street Spanish. Listing my 10 years of bilingual schooling, my experience providing interpretation services and my experience tutoring Spanish is probably irrelevant here. Never-mind the fact that Spanish is my first language and it's the only thing I've ever spoken with my mother. I would be just like him if I began to engage him in his world of laying claims to cultural capital. Because in the end, there is someone who speaks even better Spanish, who is more Dominican than the both of us combined; namely, people who live in DR. So our cultural battle here would be nothing more than trying to prove one of us is more clueless than the other. So that it doesn't have to do with culture at all, but with pride.